Who Stole My Life? Read online

  I clutch the card in my hand, and slide it quickly into the breast pocket of my shirt.

  Chapter Six

  Portman Square. 10.30 am.

  .

  We climb into the lift, Richard hits the 8th floor button, the doors close and there is silence. Richard looks at me, and I look at him. He goes first.

  "You look fine. Are you okay?" and then without waiting for me to reply, "Listen, I've been thinking. This deal is too big for us to fuck up. Perhaps I should do your presentation for you? I've been through it a dozen times, and I know it. The last thing we need is for you to faint or forget something half way through. We can't afford to lose this deal."

  Fine by me.

  "Richard, I'm sorry. I didn't plan this. Any of it. But, to be honest, I'm still in shock, and the concussion is getting worse. I can't remember everything….."

  "Great. Just great…"

  The lifts pings, the doors open and we step outside. We've come out into what can only be described as the sumptuous boardroom of some powerful organisation. A large brown mahogany table dominates the middle of the room, about twenty people sitting around the edges, all looking directly at me.

  At the far end, a large screen is embedded into the wall, and an overhead projector hanging from the ceiling is already projecting the welcoming slide of 'my' presentation. It reads,

  "Cohen Advertising

  presents

  A new marketing brand for

  Scotia Telecom's

  Future Mobile Communications

  By

  James Quinn and Team."

  I follow Richard into the room, around the expectant group, to the head of the table. I take a seat, and smile back at everyone. All eyes are on me.

  One of them at the far end of the table, silver haired, expensive suit, leans forward with clasped hands on the table, and speaks.

  "So, James. What have you got then? You've kept us all waiting. We've waited. Now it's your turn to impress the shit out of us. Tell us, how is Cohen Advertising going to make Scotia Telecom the No. 1. Mobile phone network in Europe?"

  Mobile phones again. Does he not know how bad they are for your health?

  There's an embarrassing silence. I haven't got a clue what to do. Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea after all. Slowly, very slowly, I bite the bullet and start to rise from my chair.

  Then, calmly, and not a moment too soon, Richard rises to his feet beside me and puts his hand on my shoulder, pushing me firmly back into my seat.

  "Gentlemen, if I may, I would like to apologize once again for keeping you all waiting. Unfortunately, as you know, James was mugged by a gang of asylum seekers this morning, just as he left Waterloo. Although he has suffered some concussion from the attack, he insisted on coming directly here to present to you personally, instead of going to the hospital, which I'm sure you will all realize is a clear sign of his dedication to this project and the importance of your custom to us, but I think it would be unfair of me to let him carry on the presentation, particularly since he is very dizzy and feeling quite faint. Naturally, I did insist he went straight to the hospital, but he steadfastly refused. So, we've come to a compromise. I'll do the presentation, and James will chip in if needed. So…without, any further delay, let's start."

  There are a few loud murmurs around the table, a round of coughing, and the general sound of people settling back in their chairs, waiting and expecting to be impressed.

  One person in particular fixes his eyes and every ounce of his concentration on Richard. One person in particular waits with baited breath to see what James Quinn, star of the Cohen Advertising corporation has pulled together for the future of Scotia Telecom.

  Me.

  I can't wait to hear what I have got to say.

  As Richard starts to go through my presentation, it becomes abundantly clear that I really know what I'm talking about. I'm impressed. I'm obviously a very clever guy.

  For the next ten minutes, Richard runs through an impressive summation of the mobile communications market place that supposedly exists today, reporting on the demographics, market segmentation, current trends in telephony, an overview of telecomms in today's Europe, the effects of deregulation, and a sizing up of the opportunity for future growth of the mobile industry. Who has the money to spend? How much money do they have to spend per month? What target segments should be pursued first? The teenager? The businessman? The mother at home? How much should they charge for a new phone service? Is this a profitable marketplace to be in? How soon will people start buying into the mobile market?

  I sit and listen eagerly. Occasionally Richard looks over, as if verifying with me that he is saying the right things. I nod at all the right moments. But from what I can see, it seems as if Richard is doing a great job. In fact, he's doing a far better job than I would ever be able to do. Which probably isn't saying much, given my rather sudden introduction to all of this.

  As I listen to his overview of the market I learn a lot. I learn that mobile phones, after they were introduced in the mid-eighties, were banned from normal public use when the government of the European Union declared that the radiation from mobile phones posed a severe risk to human health. Overnight the fledgling mobile market crashed, and most of the emerging mobile phone operators went out of business, or returned to the drawing board to find ways of making mobile phones safe for use.

  It was fifteen years before a new technology was developed that was approved, tested, and granted European regulatory approval, and only now in 2012, is the 2nd wave of mobile phones being launched. Albeit by a smaller group of telecommunications companies, who just managed to cling onto the lifeboat long enough and are only now managing to climb back onboard.

  Scotia Telecom, in particular, is one of those companies.

  They have aggressive plans to launch the most reliable, feature rich, and price-competitive mobile phone service in Europe. And Cohen Advertising has been chosen to develop the brand and launch the new, revamped service.

  "And now, if there are no questions at this point, I would like to tell you what James has come up with for the name of your new brand."

  There are no questions from the floor. I have a few, but I decide to keep my mouth shut.

  The Chairman of Scotia Telecom, the man with the grey hair and the money, sits forward, leaning with his elbows and clasped hands on the table, and every one follows suit. Everyone is eager to hear what I have come up with. Including me.

  Richard clicks the mouse in his hand, and the next slide flashes up on the screen. A big mandarin-orange appears on the screen on a white background. A grey shadow hides beneath the base of the mandarin, adding a touch of three dimensionality to the picture. In the bottom right hand corner, superimposed on the base of the fruit, but clearly visible, is the word "Mandarin".

  There is silence around the table. Richard holds his breath. I hold my breath.

  I sense that my career in advertising is in the balance (which apparently has been quite good up till now…). The next few moments will determine whether I will succeed or fail. I look around the table at everyone's faces. Hoping. Praying.

  No one responds. Everyone looks at the Chairman. And the Chairman looks directly at me. I sense that something is missing. That somehow the presentation has missed the mark.

  I look at Richard. He looks at me. I take a second look at the screen. I know I have to say something. I know I have to do something. Time seems to slow down, and my mind goes into overdrive.

  And then it hits me.

  The world I now find myself is not the same as the one I woke up to this morning. In many ways it’s similar, but in others it's completely different.

  The mobile phone market being a case in point. In this world, the mobile phone market is only just beginning to take off. From the slides that have been presented it would seem that hardly anyone carries a phone yet, that high street phone retailers like ‘The Car Phone Warehouse’ and ‘The Link’ don't exist, and that mobile phone s
alesmen have not yet become as annoying as estate agents. Somehow, somehow, for fifteen years the world has continued to exist and prosper without mobile phone technology.

  From the slide before last, it would seem that T-Mobile and O2 are still figments of someone's imagination and like a blast-from-the-past, BT Cellnet is only now beginning to become successful in the UK. And just like T-Mobile and O2, the Orange phone network is still waiting to be created.

  In fact, unless I am very much mistaken, my presentation, this meeting that is happening just now, is the moment at which the Orange network and brand is meant to be created for the very first time, the difference being that this time around, it won't be created for Orange, but for Scotia Telecom.

  I've always thought that the Orange brand was brilliant. It's clever, original, trendy, and it's no coincidence that I have an Orange phone,…or did... (I've no idea what I've got now, although I would guess that it is probably a Scotia Telecom handset.)

  The problem is that I don't feel particularly comfortable with stealing other people's ideas. And I know for a fact that I didn't think of the original idea for the Orange brand. Someone, somewhere else thought of it, but that was in another world. And in this world it would appear that whoever it was that came up with the idea hasn't had those thoughts yet. And maybe they never will.

  Maybe in this world, the genius who came up with that whole campaign is a train-driver, or an astronaut, or maybe he or she is working in McDonalds? Whatever. On the other hand, in this life, in this world, it might be down to me. Maybe in this life, it's my turn. Maybe it's down to me to create the Orange network, and this is the moment I am meant to do it!

  And yet, I still can't quite bring myself to copy the idea exactly, even though it would appear that I have already gone quite far down the same path of thinking that the original creator of the Orange brand must have done. Even so, as I look at the blank looks on everyone's faces, and as I see the picture of the giant mandarin projected onto the screen, it's blatantly obvious that my thinking so far is a little wide of the mark. I need to do something. I need to come up with something better.

  And fast.

  I look around the room. Everyone is still looking at me. Waiting. No expression on their faces. I stand up.

  Richard looks at me. Pleading. The figure of 'ten million Euros' being telepathically transmitted from his mind to mine. Along with the vision of a P45, a door, and a big boot.

  "Gentlemen", I start, "What do you think of my idea. 'The Mandarin Network?'" And then quickly, before anyone can respond, I carry on.

  "Well, it's not bad for a start. But not quite good enough. The image of an apple sure did work for the Apple Corporation…" I pause, praying that Apple still existed, then carry on regardless "...and they showed that such abstract thinking really can work in the IT industry. But what we want is something different, something better. When I first thought about ‘Mandarin’ I thought it was good. It's bright, it's colorful, it's different, but it's not good enough. What Scotia Telecom needs for today's world, for this world, is an image, a brand, something bright, vibrant, instantly recognizable and easily associated with Scotia Telecom, but different."

  "Unfortunately the rest of my presentation today was in my briefcase, and when I was mugged this morning the briefcase was stolen. So I can't show you the slides which show how the final branding will look like. So, if I may, I'll describe it to you."

  "Imagine a big bold bright circle, the color of tangerines. Inviting, tasteful, exotic, sophisticated, refreshing. And in the bottom of the circle the word 'Tangerine'.

  "And that's it. Scotia Telecom's new network is ‘The Tangerine Network’. It's simple, yet very effective. We build a promotional campaign based almost solely on imagery. Imagine people walking around with images of tangerine colored circles painted on their foreheads, or on the palms of their hands. We see people talking to each other, holding up their hands, the Tangerine symbols painted on their hands. Or we see people walking down the street just talking away into thin air, a tangerine circle shown painted on their forehead..."

  "The important part of the whole campaign is that although we are advertising mobile phones and the network they use, we will never ever see a person actually holding, carrying, or speaking into a phone in any one of our adverts. It will all only ever be just implied..."

  I go on, creating imagery and pictures and painting the brand in the minds of those sitting around the table. I waffle on, creating the best bullshit I have ever done, and really, even as I listen, I find that I'm impressing myself, let alone anyone else. Where it's all coming from I don't know. All I do know is that it's good. Very good. I go off into freestyle, describing newspaper adverts, television and cinema campaigns, posters, and flyers, a whole campaign, an imaginative campaign, a fantastic campaign…and then suggest that in order to promote and support the expected demand, Scotia Telecom should build a new network of Tangerine Shops across all of Europe, selling a new range of Tangerine branded mobile phones. And then I invent a couple of strap-lines, like ‘Tangerine. Have you picked yours yet?’

  The last part wasn't so good, but I know that it can be worked on. Just so long as they buy the rest of it. I turn to Richard and hand over to him. Richard is expressionless. This has all caught him by surprise. It's not exactly gone according to the script.

  I turn to look at the Chairman of Scotia Telecom.

  He is studying a long, fat cigar. He pulls out something silver from his pocket and snips off the end of the cigar. The man on the right of him, immediately produces a box of matches, lighting one and handing it to his boss, who slowly turns the cigar in the flame, puffing clouds of blue smoke into the air as he does so. Eventually, satisfied with the even burn of the tobacco, he sits back in his chair and looks at me.

  He smiles.

  Almost as one, the rest of the people in the room smile too and there is an audible exhaling of breath.

  "I like it James. I like it very much. For a while I was a little concerned there, but boy, did you swing it around. I think we can do some business together. I like it. Tangerine. …Hmm. I like it a lot. I think we should drink a toast to the future of Scotia Telecom, and The Tangerine Network."

  A door opens at the back of the room and a tray of champagne glasses and several bottles of champagne appear as if from nowhere. Within minutes corks are flying and the tension in the room evaporates. The deal is done.

  Scotia Telecom are happy. So is Richard. And from what I can gather, my first presentation as a high flying advertising executive has been a roaring success.

  Chapter Seven

  Seven Dials 2pm

  .

  A few bottles later, and Richard isn't fit to drive anywhere, so we call a taxi and leave his car in the garage underneath Scotia Telecom's headquarters.

  Now the ten million euro deal is in the bag, and there is the better part of two bottles of champagne in his stomach, Richard couldn't be more concerned about my health if he tried. If I was a cynic, I could be forgiven for thinking that since I'm the man who came up with the ‘Tangerine’ idea, Richard is just scared that if I were to die from my concussion, then the ten million deal would go with me.

  Deciding to reserve judgement on that for now, I bundle an almost incoherent Richard into the taxi, and head off towards Covent Garden.

  Of course, now the excitement of the presentation is behind me, I'm back to facing facts. I've got a problem. As the taxi takes us out along Oxford Street towards Tottenham Court Road, and before turning down to Seven Dials in Covent Garden, where, apparently, the Cohen Advertising suite of offices is, I start to wrestle with the reality that now surrounds me.

  London is different. At first glance, most things seem to be the same. But on closer inspection, a lot of shops, the buildings, the traffic, the signs, even the way the people dress, a lot of it is different. Some of it is a lot different, but other things, just slightly. It's strange, even though life does seem the same, overall it's just not right.
<
br />   Suddenly I want desperately to talk to my wife. I pull out my mobile, and ignore Richard who has just leaned back on the leather seats of the taxi, and started to snore very loudly. I dial my home number and put the phone to my ear.

  There is no dial tone.

  I dial the number again.

  Still no dial tone. The number is not recognized.

  I dial my wife's mobile.

  There is no connection. Number not recognized.

  It's then that I realize that the O2 network which Sarah uses was not mentioned on the list of mobile operators that I had shown in my presentation to Scotia Telecom. Which means that I can't call her O2 number, because the O2 network doesn't yet exist.

  Shit. How do I contact her?

  And why isn't my home number being recognized?

  I throw the mobile into my small rucksack shouting "Useless pile of shit" loudly in frustration. I begin to shake again. I've had enough of this dream. I want to wake up.